The Confidence Dilemma

One of the most fascinating, but also the most frustrating articles I’ve read in the last couple of years is the one in The Atlantic on the subject of the confidence gap. In it, the authors reveal that in spite of the advances women have made in the last fifty years in business and politics, they still hold themselves back due to a lack of confidence. This is not to say that women themselves are the sole reason for the wage gap or the fact that there are so few females in the rooms where the true power brokers are to be found. But, it does suggest that women’s struggles with confidence are a huge factor.

From the time we are little, girls are socialized to be nice, polite, consider others first, cooperate instead of competing and strive to be liked by all. This is very different than the way boys’ personalities and behavior are shaped. They are encouraged to do their best, hide their emotions and play to win. Up to the age of 12, when puberty begins to make women out of girls and men out of boys, females outperform males in most categories. From that point on, males pull ahead and stay there, which is reflected in careers, success and making money. While there may be multiple reasons for this, one thing is certain. The average man has far more confidence than the most extraordinary woman. And this confidence, whether it is backed up or not, propels him forward and upward in status, title and earning power.

Dozens of books and articles have been written about the differences between the genders concerning assertiveness and status. Women are so fearful of being thought of as aggressive, so terrorized by the B-word that they pull back when they need to lean in. Much has been written about the difficulties experienced by women in male-dominated industries, including the police force, fire service, military, and STEM fields. These women often feel that they are carrying the weight of their entire gender and are being judged not on their own merits, but as a female. This causes considerable stress on the job, which carries over into their home and personal lives, rippling through their health, families, and communities.

There is much to be said about the impact of confidence on a woman’s career trajectory, but little is known about where confidence comes from, to begin with. Anyone who has observed who gets promoted and who gets passed over in any organization can attest to the fact that it is not necessarily the most intelligent, talented and hardworking who makes it up the corporate ladder. I have been passed over more than once, only to find myself reporting to the person they hired instead, often from outside the organization. In my case, it was more like the lack of focus on relationship building than a lack of confidence, but I have worked alongside more competent and talented females than I can count who didn’t get the job simply because she didn’t throw her hat in the ring. In fact, I had a conversation just this week with a woman who is being recruited for a position that involves a 30% salary increase over her current one and she is hesitating.

One of the most fascinating, but also the most frustrating articles I’ve read in the last couple of years is the one in The Atlantic on the subject of the confidence gap. In it, the authors reveal that in spite of the advances women have made in the last fifty years in business and politics, they still hold themselves back due to a lack of confidence. This is not to say that women themselves are the sole reason for the wage gap or the fact that there are so few females in the rooms where the true power brokers are to be found. But, it does suggest that women’s struggles with confidence are a huge factor.

From the time we are little, girls are socialized to be nice, polite, consider others first, cooperate instead of competing and strive to be liked by all. This is very different than the way boys’ personalities and behavior are shaped. They are encouraged to do their best, hide their emotions and play to win. Up to the age of 12, when puberty begins to make women out of girls and men out of boys, females outperform males in most categories. From that point on, males pull ahead and stay there, which is reflected in careers, success and making money. While there may be multiple reasons for this, one thing is certain. The average man has far more confidence than the most extraordinary woman. And this confidence, whether it is backed up or not, propels him forward and upward in status, title and earning power.

Dozens of books and articles have been written about the differences between the genders concerning assertiveness and status. Women are so fearful of being thought of as aggressive, so terrorized by the B-word that they pull back when they need to lean in. Much has been written about the difficulties experienced by women in male-dominated industries, including the police force, fire service, military, and STEM fields. These women often feel that they are carrying the weight of their entire gender and are being judged not on their own merits, but as a female. This causes considerable stress on the job, which carries over into their home and personal lives, rippling through their health, families, and communities.

There is much to be said about the impact of confidence on a woman’s career trajectory, but little is known about where confidence comes from, to begin with. Anyone who has observed who gets promoted and who gets passed over in any organization can attest to the fact that it is not necessarily the most intelligent, talented and hardworking who makes it up the corporate ladder. I have been passed over more than once, only to find myself reporting to the person they hired instead, often from outside the organization. In my case, it was more like the lack of focus on relationship building than a lack of confidence, but I have worked alongside more competent and talented females than I can count who didn’t get the job simply because she didn’t throw her hat in the ring.

You can’t win if you don’t play. Are you complaining about not getting a chance, being promoted, starting that business you’ve been dreaming about, but you are actually the one holding you back?